Longing

Ever since I first saw her sad, lonely face I felt drawn to her. The empty girl who was so carelessly held for her picture. A picture that did nothing to show off her beauty and great potential. But still, despite the emptiness, sadness, and fear, my heart connected to her.

She was to be our daughter.

And now, just over 6 months later, the paperwork has been sent. Documents have been translated, and the massive stack that represents hours of work and hundreds of dollars lies on a desk somewhere waiting for approval.

It's all becoming very real to me now. We are close.

Close to the day that we finally get to meet our eldest child.

Her biological sister is now home with her family. Another close friend just brought their new son home. And yet another close friend is preparing to travel in just over a week to meet her daughter. Those who have gone before us are finishing up their journeys. This means our turn is coming.

When? We don't really know. But we are hoping, praying, begging for our turn to come soon.

The longing in my soul to meet this child who has stolen my heart is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Unlike our two biological children, I have not had the pleasure of feeling her move in my womb. I have not had the joy of seeing her face via ultrasound. I missed her first cries. Her first smile. Her first laugh. I wasn't there the day she was taken to the orphanage. I did not even know she existed as she spent day after day in her crib. I was not there for her very first picture - the picture that would eventually lead us to her.

We have missed 7 years of her life. For 7 years we had no idea something so great was missing from our lives. And now that we know what we are lacking, the anticipation to fill that void is almost painful.

I cannot accurately explain the longing in my soul to hold this tiny little girl. To show her love. To rub my finger across her cheek. To look into the eyes of the one who stole my heart with a picture. I cannot explain the adrenaline that surges through me as I think about buying a plane ticket to take us to her. I cannot imagine the agony of that flight as it seems to move ever so slowly toward her. I cannot explain the pain in my heart knowing that after loving on her for 5 days, I will have to say goodbye.

The emotions belong in a novel. On the big screen. On stage. Somewhere better explained than on this little blog. I cannot do them justice.

I long for the day when God gives us the chance to start making up for those lost years. I ache to bring her home to the brother and sister who already know her by name and love her. I cannot WAIT for the day we carry her into church and introduce her to everyone who has prayed and cried over her.

My heart is overwhelmed thinking about this all coming true.

And with pain, anticipation, desire, and excitement in my heart I realize: this is just a small taste of God's longing for me. For us. For the world.

Oh, how He loves us so.