How YOU Can Help Us Post-Adoption

As you all know, we will be bringing Maia home very soon (next month!!) and we are hastily preparing everything for her arrival.  Part of that preparation is preparing YOU for her arrival.  We know you all are very excited for us (and her).  You've been praying as long and as hard as we have.  Many of you have expressed how excited you are to meet her and love on her.  We are so thankful for your love, prayers, support, and encouragement.

However, we aren't bringing home a biological child we just delivered at the Birth Center like the last two times.  We are bringing home an adopted child.  One with pretty major needs.  Things will look different with Maia's homecoming.  Different from the homecoming of an infant.  Different from the homecoming of an older child who understands.  Different from the picture you probably had in your head.  

This post is mainly written for those of you who have contact with us to some extent.  Especially our family, close friends, church family, and neighbors.   If you fit this category (or fit this category for another adopting family), please carefully read and consider this post.

I want to start off by explaining the importance of attachment.  I know.  Some of you read "attachment" and thought "oh great, they're THOSE parents."  Well, we are.  But this is totally different.  Attachment with an adopted child isn't your typical "attachment parenting" that you read about with co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, hippy parents.  (By the way, I'm allowed to speak like that - I did all those things.)  :)  Maia's success in life and in our family DEPENDS on how well she attaches to us.   Unlike an infant, she never learned how to trust anyone.  Her needs have gone unmet for 8 years now.  We have a lot of ground to make up.  We have no other option but to attachment parent.  It's a MUST for adoption families.  And it will take time.  A lot of time.  And we need you to give us that time.

So how can you help us form a good attachment with our daughter?

First, you can NOT do certain things.

- Please don't meet any of her needs.  Don't feed her, hold her if she cries, give her toys directly, etc.  Those needs must be met by US for at least the first several months.
- Please don't make eye contact with her, touch her, gush over her, or bombard her until we give you permission.  :) If you see her at church, try not to make a big deal about it. Don't crowd her trying to meet her.  We know it will be hard.  And our hearts break that you won't be able to love on her for a while.  But that's how it has to be.  
- Please don't compare her to anyone.  Don't talk bad about her to others or to our kids.  Don't focus on her idiosyncrasies.  She makes weird noises.  She drools.  She bangs her head and shakes her finger.  And that's all TOTALLY NORMAL for an institutionalized child.  Don't make a big deal about it.  Our kids will know she's different, but we don't need them thinking that's a bad thing.  Your kids don't need to think it's a bad thing either.  Let Maia be your chance to teach your kids about children with special needs.
- Don't overstep our boundaries.  If you're not sure if something's okay, ask us.  We know you are trying.  We're figuring it all out too.  So just ask.  We promise we'll be honest with you in a loving way.

Now that we got all of that out of the way - how CAN you help?

I'm glad you asked!  There's a lot you can do for us if you want to help us in this journey.

- Bring us meals.  Offer to clean the house.  Do the dishes.  Fold some laundry.  Vacuum.  Because I'm obsessed with my floors and that will totally make my day better.
- Play with our biological kids.  Take them to the park.  Bring them a slushie.  Help us out with them while we focus on Maia.  What 4 year old wants to accompany his parents and sister to her first therapy session?  I guarantee our 4 year old won't.
- Stand up for us.  We know people will talk.  Nobody's perfect and special needs adoption is still very new to a lot of people.  We understand that and are grateful for the opportunity to normalize this a bit.  If you overhear someone criticizing us for our parenting, our "disappearance", our crazy emotions, or anything else, please stand up for us.  We're all advocates for orphans right now.  You are part of this!  And you can help advocate just as we can.  We just adopted.  And it turns things upside down for a bit.  And that's totally okay!
- Encourage us.  PLEASE!  Send us texts.  Facebook messages.  Emails.  Don't be offended if we don't respond.  Just know that we are reading them and you're probably making me cry.  (In a good way.)
- Respect our privacy.  We will hole up in the house for 4-6 weeks.  You may not see us in person for that amount of time or longer.  Please don't stop in unexpectedly for a visit.  Please don't be offended if we don't invite you over.  This time will be precious to us and to Maia.  We must be careful.
- If you DO come over (because we invited you), please don't interact with Maia.  If you're unsure about what's okay and not okay, ask us.  We'll tell you.
- Recognize that this journey will be hard for us.  Sleepless nights, language barriers, doctor visits, feeding struggles, and who knows what else.  It will be hard.  It might be hard for several months.  Your support and encouragement will help us tremendously, so please don't disappear on us completely!

So there you have it.  Thank you so much for being willing to support us even though it will be hard on you!  We will try our very best not to step on your emotions too much or to take advantage of anyone.

**Seeing as we haven't ever brought home an adopted child, this information was compiled from friends and internet sources.  If you want to read more, check out the links below:

http://lifelinechild.org/loving-from-a-distance-webinar-2/
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/02/how-to-be-the-village#.TrG5yC5r1Pl.facebook