Through the Hard

We have been adoptive parents for a month and a half now.  After hours of training... hours of reading... over a year of preparing ourselves for this journey... I must admit that I wasn't ready for this.  I thought I was ready.  But it turns out I wasn't.

I wasn't ready for the language barrier.  Or the total lack of communication and understanding.  I wasn't ready for the emotional toll it would take on me to parent a child with no concept of pain, no concept of right and wrong, no concept of how to relate to people.  I wasn't ready for the feeding battles, the behavior challenges, or the lost feeling when trying to bond with this little person who did not grow inside me. I find myself at times feeling like a complete failure as I have no idea how to cope with the needs thrown our way.  

We knew parenting an adopted child would be different.  Even hard.  But you throw special needs and severe mental delays into the picture and it's a whole new ball game.  

An exhausting, overwhelming, and fulfilling ball game.  

You see, through some dear adoptive friends that God has placed in my life for such a time as this, I am starting to figure this thing out.  While you are correct when you tell us that we saved Maia's life - you need to know that she has saved mine as well.  She (and our two young biological children) are saving me from a life of selfishness.  I must die to myself daily and live out my love for God through the care I give my children.  Every exploding diaper.  Every feeding challenge.  Every redirection again and again.  Every spilled bowl of cereal.  Every dirty dish.  It's all to His glory.  And it's all molding me into a woman more like Christ.  

So when I'm tired and frustrated and pulling my hair out, I must remember that this is my calling.  It's a daily battle, but it's one I'm more than ready to fight.  As my dear friend Joleigh so wisely shared: "God doesn't just give our kids the families they need -- He gives us the kids we need in order to become more of who He made us to be."

Now to address the few of you who I know are cringing that we would speak of these things: it seems that frequently adoption blogs paint a happy rosy picture of adoption.  A transition home that is flawless and smooth.  And maybe that's the case for them.  But through conversations with others I am of the impression that the transition home is HARD for both the child and the parents. And I feel that we as adoptive parents are doing others an injustice if we aren't transparent in the good AND the bad.  I don't want anybody considering adoption to jump in thinking it will be easy - that will serve no purpose except to make the transition home a horrific shock.  

So I'm baring my soul and sharing with you that this is hard.  Life is hard right now. Our home is busy and loud and crazy.  It's hard to admit things aren't perfect.  It would be much easier to gloss over everything and tell you we are doing fantastically.  But you know what?  When things are hard is when God gets the most glory.  WE aren't doing this; HE is.  HE is giving us the strength and understanding to adapt to this new season of life.  HE is growing Maia and doing amazing things in her life even now. HE is redeeming her.  And HE is changing my life.  Hard is not bad.  Hard gives God the chance to show off more than we ever thought He could. 

I believe that if Maia ever gets to the point where she reads this post, she will know that while things were hard and Mommy and Daddy were very lost at times, we still loved her through the tough times.  We loved her unconditionally and because of that love we fought through it.  JUST like God fights for us even when we are making mistakes.  And because we have seen Him fight for us, we will continue to fight for her.  We will do everything in HIS power to push through this.  To get her everything she needs to be all that God wants her to be.  Even through the hard.